i wonder how, i wonder when.

why do some people seem to get more and more immature as their age increases, lol

fucking cunt, i hope karma hits you

TA DA, brand new life.

Well the layouts of the pictures turned out to be really weird, but I am just really thankful for the people in my life now days.

Through the bad and good, thank you all for staying it has been such a nice journey with you guys, and I am utterly grateful.

Always helping me when I fall, always being there for me even when I am distant af.

To be honest I am truly one kind of a bad shitty friend last time, but I've changed and I will continue to do my best in being a good friend.

Thank you to all who stayed, and to those who did not it doesn't matter.

Truth be told, I am a human being as well. I make mistakes, and you should stop harping on my life and leave me alone.

I am HAPPY and not a single soul will take it away from me.

dead.

 

Been long since I last posted a photo of myself,

and it all goes down the drain, how much I miss the old me.

 

This timing, last year I was slowly decreasing in my weight.

Used to weight 80kg, but now I'm so much lighter.

So many things changed, and I lost myself

 

In return, trying to find something that is of the world

Many people asked "how did you slimmed down so drastically?"

 

I don't know either.

One thing I know for sure, is that in order to achieve the body that I had today

I broke myself.

And I promise, there is no turning back.

 

Something inside of me just want to scream out loud,

a part of me wishes that somebody would come and save me out of this hellhole.

 

Seriously, how shallow this world can gets, no one knows

I don't want to be ugly, but I don't want to be pretty either

I just want someone, who'll appreciate and treasure me for who I am,

for my thoughts, for whatever that exists in me

 

I cannot bring myself to love,

neither can I open up

because my mind is a screwed up mess, it is a hellhole even I cannot get out of

My life is a mess,

it's such a mess that I don't even want people to know the life I am living

 

...

People, they think they know me

They see what I present to them and they are already judging

I wonder what will go through their mind,

when they see the real messy state of me?

of my life?

 

I grew up not knowing love,

and now I am really living with the absence of it

....

I have so much so much love inside of me,

wishing that someone would be here for me to shower them on,

but fuck it

 

If you're ugly and your life is a total mess,

with no money no luxurious shit,

nobody is going to care

 

If you don't present yourself in the most luxurious life,

no one will give a damn

 

So many times I wish that I could party and enjoy the worldly things like the rest,

then I start thinking about my background,

I realise there's so much more things for me to worry about

 

Teenagers now days don't even have to worry

Because they have a shelter that feels like home

They have everything prepared for them,

all they have to do is to waste their youth away

 

While I am stuck here,

feeling guilty cause I'm still young and imperfect

feeling guilty,

because I have a broken family.

 

Tell me?

Why me.

Why, does all people

I have to be chosen?

 

Why?

Why couldn't those screwed up mofo ass be the ones suffering,

why must I be the one?

 

Some day I'll be swept away, with whatever that is within me

Trust me it does not feel good here

 

And some times I really wish I were DEAD.

 



I pray for the day

to know that someone can actually love me, even when I couldn't bring myself to

suicide. suicide. suicide.

Slowly and slowly

Pieces by pieces

It's all breaking down.

My life, my heart, my body ..

Everything

Life is an ocean I'm drowning

I've been countless times for someone to save me

But nothing came

I wonder, was it something I did wrong

Where did I went wrong

I thought moving on to another phase of life

Things would get better.

But I'm still that old same girl,

ugly and used.

Maybe one day if I were to commit suicide, if I were to die, then they'll truly believe me when I said "I'm sad."

Deeper and deeper

I go

This is it,

you've lost me.

and it's never the same old me who's back,

I lost myself

broken into pieces

still, it felt like nothing

loveless.

Shit all these craps

I've had enough

How many times do I have to know that I am unimportant?

...

Perhaps it's just because I'm alone.

Unwanted.

ugly.

fat.

yet those shitards go on and on about how skinny I've became.

1998-2014, i was fat. but at least i felt happy.

I was surrounded with people and that's all I know

2015, I became average sized

but here I am,

all screwed up and messed up.

I rather be fat again

Then to slim down

and still realize no one will ever look at me

no one will love me as much

it only hurt me this much, to know even after trying

it still does not works out for me.

and how ridiculous,

people who gets everything

are actually jealous of me?

....

Screwed up, really am

What to do?

What.. to... do.

I am just lost, really lost.

Physically lost.

Mentally lost.

Someone save me

Here I scream my thoughts out loud

But no one hears

Save me, will you please save me

whoever's there, save me please?

It's sad

Well...

I'm just kinda sad.

And happy.

Happy because finally, I'm turning back to Him

And His peace and grace really never fails.

Sad because..

I'm always ugly.

Grateful for the fact that no matter what happened

He is here.

With me :)

Went back to church today, and it felt so wrong yet so right at the same time.

Almost close to three months 

Three months without the presence of the Lord

was hell.

And I wanna be in His presence ever more,

though at times certain things do kill.

Still, I am grateful. 

And hopefully I don't screw up the chance of restoring this relationship,

ever again.

I'm always that ugly shit.

That no one ever wants, and it saddens me.

No, it only proved me right.

How shallow the world is, how shallow people can get.

I am so sorry for being ugly

but it is really not my fault, and I'm just sick of it.

I've tried my hardest to become prettier and it sickens me how people sees nothing

but the cover.

Honestly nobody cares enough to see the insides of you,

if the cover does not pleases.

I'm sick, I'm tired. I'm sad.

Because at the end of the day, I am the one left alone, the one everyone hates.

Yet everyday I hear people gets insecure about themselves....

But does it matter?

After all God's gonna hear my screams,

He's gonna accept my all.

hmm.

So during these few weeks where things started to get much better, I've also realized many things which I did not before.

First, I got to listen to this song that completely triggered and challenged me religiously. 

"My church offers no absolutes, she told me to worship in the bedroom."

Honestly this sentence from Take me to Church by Hoizer hit me so hard. So hard. It makes me wonder, you see. In life, or rather in Christianity, why do we emphasize so much on the "laws" or "regulations" ? They've always said, Christianity is not a religion but a relationship with God.

But now days, all I can see is people being discriminated and stripped off from the rights they have. Everyone has a choice, whether to accept God or not. But why, us as humans are breaking one another's right to the entrance of Heaven?

Does being different from other, or being different from the normal makes us not a child of God?

Just because their sin is openly publicized for the sake of their own comfort, mean they are the only ones sinning?

And since everyone sins, why do we make fun of the minority?

Does discriminating the minority makes you happier

or more righteous in the Lord?

....

... if only

I've never been this broken before

Never..

But now, what else can I do when it comes to this?

16 year old turning 17.

And it already feel this bad, how will my future life go?

I wish I could wake up with amnesia.

And.. forget about these little things.

Why is it that I try to be sensitive to people all the time,

but nobody cares about how I feel?

Am I really that unimportant.

I always care without expecting a return,

but all I wish is at least be sensitive to how I feel.

To wait and to see

My own friends forgetting about me

I can't even forgive myself for being that dumb.

I stood there and waited for seconds

to see if any one notices that I'm gone

Sadly no one did.

I get angry and wished something would change.

But no.

Honestly having no one there in my life sucks.

Last time I would care and start an argument.

But right now I'm too lazy to even bother.

Why....

Because I'm always ugly, because at the end of the day, I'm forgotten.

Nobody will ever care about me as much as I care about them

If only I can become selfish

More selfish

........

But I can't.

And all I can do is to secretly cry in the middle of the night,

suffocating myself with those 2am thoughts.

knew it.

First things first.

2015, a bad bad year indeed. Ever since working started, pretty much everything seems all screwed and messed up. 

Honestly with no idea where to move on and forward to, everyday I struggle with those thoughts not knowing when it'll come to past.

Honestly, I'm really pretty much sad. It's unfair how I worked hard for it, and placed my trust yet things don't happen.

And it's ridiculous how people who probably did much lesser than me yet scored much better than me,

not only that. They complain over and over again, as though my wounds don't matter.

I'm reaching the deepest and darkest hole of my life, but no one seems to be there.

Except my father, the one whom I never ever appreciates in the last 1 year. Indeed, as saying goes. Blood is thicker than water, and I was dumb enough.

Fuck those who told me to trust, because if I didn't, maybe I'd have passed. Maybe I'd have worked even harder. For my dad, for myself.

I didn't. I tried to please people who don't fucking matter in my life

And now I'm all alone facing my own giant obstacle.

In this short three months.

I realized the kind of existence I have in life, honestly I wouldn't mind ending my life right now. Everyday I tell myself, it will be okay. It will pass by, but it did not.

Instead all I'm feeling right now are feelings of abandonment, feelings of being deserted.

Is it okay to just throw me aside when I'm not needed

Does it not matter if I die

Am I just a shelter everyone turns to when they're insecure

Am I just another worthless tool for people to seek security from

with the reason being that I'm worse than them

Honestly I lost all my faith

And I knew it the moment I told myself to believe.

I knew it

If I've succeeded, my faith would increase.

And if I failed

It wouldn't just drop

but my faith would've been totally washed away, together with the wind

and maybe for the first time ever I'd really taste the bitterness of pure darkness.

#randomthoughts

Why ..

can an emotional person

become this emotionless,

this numbed from pains and heartaches

Been thinking and wondering for days,

for weeks,

for months.

But still no answer came,

Thinking that it was okay,

drowned into the world of darkness and numbness

Endlessly struggling

Wondering why

And now all was made known

Once broken,

never mended.

If not fixed right away,

it remains broken.

Forever.

They say,

it is through the broken cracks that light creeps in.

But in reality,

it was never that easy

Everything creeps in

No control over it,

it just creeps in

Probably some day

some one can change that broken heart

But broken..

remains broken.

And it probably would take another few years

to change this broken heart to the normal emotional heart.

So why do we judge, 

when one is emotional?

Would it've been better if their feelings died

Would it've been better if they don't feel

Ever wonder how terrible that feels

How suffocating to feel nothing 

even when a heart exists in the body

Would it've been better

if our flesh were stronger

Nobody's perfect,

Religion or not.

If it is another's faith,

who are you to judge

Whether it's a Christian, or a Person covered in tattoos. 

Are there no evil ones in either one of the group?

It is entirely wrong to say the whole tattoo community consists of no/only evil and judgments,

and it is also entirely wrong to say the whole Christianity community consists of only/no evil and judgments.

Humans are all selfish,

it makes no sense to just judge a religion

because of what you've been through

To you, a religion may have hurt you

Yet to another, that religion and faith saves them

Ridiculous how people say such ironic things

Whether or not if you've met the most judgmental person from a certain religion or not,

are there no evil in any other?

The fact that humans are selfish and evil

Creates the fact that no religion should be blamed.

It is the human nature's fault to begin with

so why are people blaming the religions

or any other things humans are doing?

Ridiculous

只有祢和我知道

你在我身旁，终于不在流浪

谁能悄悄的在我身边给我依靠？

God please save me, because if You don't, no one else can

I won't forget

Feeling empty

Got to be one of the worse feeling ever

I want to know what is it like to love a person again

What is it like to want to know more about someone

But no

Nothing's coming back

Nothing's helping

Endlessly struggling with all these inner struggles

I wish it'd stop

I wish I could stop myself

But no 

How is it like to be loved?

How is it like to be surrounded by people?

How is it like to be not forgotten?

How it is like to have someone looking at you 

and thinking

"wow she/he's my world"

In a world full of people,

yet so empty.

In a world full of people,

yet I live in my own fantasy.

oh dear God... please at all cost

let be reminded of the first time You've called me by name

the first time You've touched my heart

please.. bring me to those days

when I can feel again

and I know this'll come true

because even when the troubles come, Your word will never change

Be still, there's a Healer.

By faith.

不管了

什么也没说
不代表我不痛
不代表我没有感受
有时候，
自己默默承受
也好过靶心事
告诉他人

where's the worth

Days like these, I can't help to wonder
What's my worth?
And,
Where's my worth?

People blames me for not having them placed in my priority list,
but ironically I'm not in theirs either.
Well

It's always been this way
The way I get treated never changes

The only thing that changed...
was the level of numbness my heart can contain.

Right now I'm so numb
I can't even feel
I don't even feel sad any more

If you want my best, then accept my bad times too
If you want me to prioritize you,
show me you're worth it.

selfishness.

Are friends only friends when I'm at my best?

If there's a question that could be answered in my life, I would ask " why are people so fast to reveal, yet slow to stay?" Whenever a friendship goes wrong, people just publicly shows what each other's flaws are to the whole world.

But maybe.. that question was answered long ago, ha.

?

我只是愛你勝過愛自己

So tired, so distant.

a small mind, yet loaded with so much thoughts.

Tired..

I need a break.

I need to do well.

I need to.

together, forevermore

For these few weeks, it was practically the happiest that I've ever felt.

In my whole entire life.

Then came crashing down, with this thought

Just this one thought

No longer me, no longer who I am

I want to focus on God

And not.. being this foolish human that I am.

I am made for great things,

and greater things are still to come in Jesus name.

(Nope not bragging)

But everyone can become great.

but here I am

stuck again in my own foolishness

something about you sparked my curiosity 

but 

I can't fulfill it

And there I go, losing focus on whatever I do

but at least I thank God for the fact that this time round,

I managed to struggle it through

Without leaning on any one, any thing,

but God.

when I love,
I don't stop.
If I've already made known that you're a friend I'd lay my life down for,
I will.
I will do anything just to make sure things go alright.
Even if it means sacrificing myself.
I will, because I said I would.
And unless you stop trying, I won't.

"These bones were dry, they come alive."

Today, revival will come.

smile. be happy.

I've been sharing this with almost everyone;

But

Today I'm gonna type it down here.

A random thought, a reminder, a hope.

"I am not alone for He is here."

Of course, my post for the last few months was practically one of the most depressed period.. ever. 

I really was. (Back then, I guess.)

But now, God's words and faithfulness never fail to appear in my life.

No matter how many times I've pushed Him away

I was not faithless but

I was dry, running on the empty.

I forgot about His love

I forgot the very reason why I'm still on the right path

Not led astray

Nor suicidal 

And it was then I realized

No matter how much sin I've sinned against God

He was there.

And it was, indeed selfish of me to want to forget about Him just like that

I thank God for God.

For always being there.

For always staying there for me, for always caring

Many would label me dumb.

But it's okay to believe in my own faith

Not by the words people say

Not by what the society says

But,

by the experiences that I've experienced.

It's okay 

It really will be. Even if right now you're depressed, you're sad. you're suicidal. It doesn't matter

Because at the end of the day,

you're still breathing.

And it's a joy to be breathing

Life may suck,

you may fail.

But it's okay

And never forget the fact that you're just actually a 

human

and human makes mistakes

so move on and smile

enjoy your life

don't let it go to waste.

:-)

(ignore my really bushy hair)

a Good friend

Last time, I was so afraid of being alone.

I've always asked God why are there outcasts everywhere I go,

and then as I grew older I realized.

Humans are selfish

Not only that, we only believe in what we see.

We jump to conclusions without asking.

Broken relationships,

yet left unattended.

And this is the reason why,

people drift away from one another so easily.

Isn't it.

Thinking back.. I really do missed her.

Ha, it's almost been a year.

I wonder if at times

She missed me

like how I missed her?

/Not trying to be a homosexual here though/

But I really miss this friend of mine.

And recently I've started watching an anime

which I sort of really liked..

And then I realized

It was the anime she watched a year or two ago

when we were still friends.

And..

more importantly I understood why she loved this anime so much.

A pity..

she isn't here to go crazy with me about it any more.

She kept telling me how good it was

wishing I'd watch it too

But.. only two years later I did.

By accident.

Without knowing it was the anime she watched.

Ha, how coincidental huh?

Whatever it is,

the memories were sweet. memorable. bitter.

Although we went separate ways without even saying a goodbye

... I still secretly wish we were friends.

it was never fair.

That very day your trust wavered and you lied.

Was also the very day, I realized maybe it's time for me to reflect upon my own actions.

But what to do?
When you're there for too long.. people take it for granted.

They used to fight for you,
but not any more when they know you're gonna stay.

what's the use for?
what are promises for when some day it's gonna be broken

What's the point of trying to open up a person's heart
breaking down their walls
and then half way through you got sick
you just left it there,
exposed to the air?

God is here, He is here.

please I pray.

My life is so screwed.

I don't know what else to do, what else to say.

I'm not losing any faith; but I just don't know what else to say

I just long for the day where I wont feel it any more

This loneliness I feel

When will it stop, will it ever stop?

The fact that I'm such an introvert makes me sick

I want to stop it but I can't

I'm afraid of falling

Afraid of opening up to people

I'm a failure in life

Never for once did I did something right.

Always at the end of the day

I feel so much it overwhelms and drains my energy away

Whenever I open up, I get hurt

It makes me wonder why do I even try

At the end of the day I can never win

Because the truth is right from the start I lost

My expectations ruins me

But I don't know how to stop

Because I act the things that's in my expectations

.. Allowing me to expect nothing lesser than what I've done.

Someday all these will stop.

That aching feeling

That loneliness

That fear of never good enough

Those ever falling tears

It will all stop, eventually.

Please I pray, let me depend on Papa God more. More. And more.

Till all these stops, I'll believe.

dejected;broken;hope.less.

 If only I could turn back in time, I'd never. Never. Trusted you.

Four years back, it felt happy.

It felt as though everything ended perfectly. But now...? It hurts so bad. That pain in my chest could literally take my breath away. It was like a wake up call, so cruel. So scary, so saddening. I was on the verge of tears, some times wishing I can turn invisible for a moment just to get my eyes dry.

This pain I feel, no one seems to know. How does it feels like, to be a dancer.. who dances on the stage, only to know that she's nothing but... nothing. They always say 

"The position does not matter, if your dancing skills are good, you outshine any other."

Ever since the first day, I've always danced. Because I love it. Because that's what I like, that's what I enjoy doing. I smile because I love it. Not because I got to. 

I'm used to standing behind, being hidden. Being unnoticeable. Until one day, I was given a chance. My efforts were finally acknowledged. And it was then.. I thought maybe I stood a chance. Maybe there's a chance.. for me to turn my love for dancing into talent.

I was fat. And I still am fat. I was ugly, and I still am. None of the things that I have actually helps me in getting an opportunity in expanding my dancing journey.

But.. a chance was given to me, I took it. I wanted it, I held onto it.

And the next moment, it was taken away from me.. like I was nothing, like it was nothing. And honestly I wished that this hope was never given to me. Maybe the hurt would have been lesser, maybe the humiliation would have been lessen. 

"A happy ending.." They say. But my heart hurts so bad I just wanna wreck every single effort that I placed in. I really wanted to leave.. happily. But how to.. especially when I know I was nothing but a shit used, especially when nobody cares if I was there, or not.

I'm weird, but opening up to people is just so not my style..  I don't really know how to put all these into words hahahaha. Killer thoughts they say? Thoughts that kills you. bit by bit. And the torturing thing is my walls are building up; the walls that prevents me from pouring; the walls that makes me doubt people's sincerity and genuineness. I'm tired, I just want someone there. For me. All the time. 

One who'll hear all my inner cries, yet never judges me. One who instead of flashing disappointed looks and disappointment, would first assure and comfort me.

One who I can feel comfortable around doing whatever shits that I like.

Me..and my expectations should stop.

(Not like I'm perfect) HAHAHAHA. although I'm in this state of darkness, God's light shine through still. Though I felt like giving up, He still reaches His hands out to me.. 

A broken me; yet with an extraordinary God. 

... some times all I really want is just a break from all the flaws that I have; really....

photo credits: tumblr.

"But... Neither did you stood up for me nor did you protected me."

friendships/relationships

                                                 IN CHINA :)

anyway I was really upset.. cause there was like this day where I wanted to delete the Whatsapp videos in my phone and I accidentally clicked onto my whole CAMERA ALBUM and there goes my everything. 1000+ photos. Including those that I took in China. Although still sad, but I sort of get over it I guess.

Things been so hectic recently. Actually.. I really have no idea what's on my mind. I don't really feel sad, but when I'm alone, everything goes haywire, I just break down and cry, but the next moment I'm perfectly fine again. It's not that I'm lonely though, for I know Papa is here. But.. I don't know what is this.

So, through all the things that have happened around me, I really learnt more about the world, and how it works. Like for example, when you love. You love unconditionally. And if you have a reason why you love that person, it is not love. Nope. And when the two people with the same common ground comes together, eventually they crashes. 

And also, my definition for friendships also became much deeper. 

True friends are NOT those who spends time with you everyday, those who put you as their priority list. Nope, true friends are those who can edify, who can enlighten you in your spiritual walk. Friends that are there for you no matter what, they are not always there. BUT YOU know they are there. Not a single thing can break the bond you've had with this very special friend, because you trust this true friend enough to know that a small things like this don't matter.

But it's sad, because most of the time people think that TRUE FRIENDS are those friends that actually in a form or another am an advantage to us in our lives, or simply those who'll never let you be alone (not walk alone) but be alone.

Nah, I rather have a friend who'd leave me alone when I'm emotionally blackmailing people, so that I can know where's my fault and where's my wrongdoings than to have a friend who is there 24/7, but doesn't correct me when I'm at wrong or when I'm simply walking the wrong path. A true friend to me, is one who can laugh with me, laugh at me, but also one who never hesitates to correct me whenever I'm not right. If you don't even have the guts to correct your friend, is she/he truly your true friend? Or simple enough, are you a true friend?

Secondly, this sentence really kept me going on. "Happiness is a choice and a decision." We entirely hold the right to choose whether we want to be happy or not. We can decide to be happy, but at the same time we can also let the negative thoughts take over. But what's worse is, if you can't allow yourself to be happy, why get sad when other is trying to choose happiness? Anyone can gain happiness. It's really up to yourself, whether or not you WANT to be happy too. Happiness is really a choice, not a fate. not a destiny. not something you're obliged to.

Thirdly, I'm just well, pretty upset.

The perfect, and the imperfect. We have to love them all, but some times you just can't help but to feel sad and disappointed in some. I don't know but one thing for sure I know is I'm just a human, probably one who feels tempted all the time. And one thing I know is that only Papa can forgive EVERY single sin. But I'm not, and I can't. And it's just so sad some times the people I love turns out to be the one who disappoints me the most.

Fourthly, why do people pretend?

If you are born like that, be like that. I rather right from the start, they show me who they really are. Then to let it slowly revealed to me as we get closer. It only makes me wonder if right from the start I was just a tool. It makes me wonder if you're fake, if you ever truly meant what you said. There's so so much thoughts in me right now. Uh it's not that I'm emotionally unstable, and it's not that these thoughts linger around my mind all the time, but I just you know need a place to rant it all out.

I just wish people nowadays treasured friendships and relationships more. These things takes years to build, but seconds to destroy. And not everyone in life can take you for who you are, so why risk destroying all the relationships in life?

I just wish people would know that ANOTHER human actually DO have their worth. I just wish people would try even harder to get their friends back, rather than just telling ourselves "it's okay, I can always move on to another, as long as I am not alone. It's okay." 

Let me say, it's not okay. It's really not, because not everyone is as shallow as the society is.

And I know, Papa is different from humans, He forgives every sin. 

Bit by bit.

To start off ( which I already cannot contain my excitement )

A LIFE changing trip man! Okay I'm too lazy to post pictures so I'll just post it bit by bit. Basically, this Twinning school program really made me realize how wrong our opinions were towards China rural area, and China citizens. Like c'mon I know I sound so ridiculously stupid saying this, but hey it really changed me. :) I still remembered the first day we reached there, I expected them to ignore us (or treat us like invisible shits) But they didn't. And they made us felt so welcomed. Especially their form teacher.. Gosh she actually went to buy stockings/leggings for us because she saw that we were wearing skirts and she was afraid we'd feel cold. I was like wot. I mean.. I've never seen my principals do such things for the overseas students who came to our school. 

The school also hanged banners to welcome us, I mean like (again) I've never seen my principals do anything so GRAND to the overseas students who came. They don't even organize events/outings for the students to go to after school. (which the school in China actually did for us)

And the food they served us was like ONE OF THE BEST food they can ever afford. It's like all the students were eating really simple REALLY simple meals, yet for us they prepared so much. And so, many things took place. And of course i took pictures. but was really lazy. 

this is like their instant milk tea. LIKE WOT?! It looks like cup noodles to me please :x and it's nice!! Had this on our very first day in Shanghai. Spending the night doing our comprehension close questions and eating maggie + a cup of warm milk tea tgt. Good times with bestie!

The ice cream that we got for dinner on the plane! And I cracked the biscuit. uh oh, and my whole seat were like filled with ice cream biscuits. and my pillow was filled w ice cream. ( yeah I'm totally clum-sy)

 Went swimming with my two beloved girls. ♥

After that, went serving in dialect church! Definitely awesome. Always good to see those elderly getting blessed by the small little actions we do. Oh, God is indeed good. He never ever forgets any one of us, whether young, or old.

♥ ♥  ♥  Taken during one of the days in BBC.

 

And so I went out with mei mei today. Awesome day, great fellowship. Thank you mei mei! :-) ♥ ♥ ♥

All in all.. these few weeks have been great to me. I thank God, always. For such pleasurable moments in my life. I will, continue to strive hard. I will study hard for O levels next year. Most importantly, what ever hinders me now shall be removed. It's time I take my place up, and fight. for myself. I can do things that many other could do too. I definitely will prove. That I have the ability to be someone worth trusting.

God is good.
Michelle also good.

Pouring our lives to Jesus// EXAMS OVERRRR

EXAMS OVER
Been fighting this temptation to blog lately for the past few weeks due to end of year, and now it's over I'M REALLY HAPPPPPPPY. :') 

Had fruitful weeks through this period of time!! TOOK loads of photos also (hahahaha girly girly)

my awesome sister with her awesome braces

/pardon my stupid face/

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

ALL time favourite childhood drink

 

yay with Verine!!

 

Oh this taste ridiculously nice HAHAHA it's all so chewy and the milk is heaven.

 

 

A Korean little boy that we met during Cell group outreach!

 

 

 

 

 

Grateful for someone like her!

 

 

 

 

"Time flies past quickly when I'm with you."

 

 

TRYING TO BE A TOURIST walking through Leelee's block void deck to get good photos of vines for Seesee HAHAHAHA soooo I decided to give a pose and be a happy tourist!!

 

 

 

 

 

Pouring my life out to Jesus. Each and every day, I want to live my life for Him. I want to pour out my life as an offering, an offering upon the kingdom of God. These few weeks made me realize that indeed, God is our strength, our refuge and our everything.

Was so stressed out for the past few weeks due to end of year, it almost felt like I dropped into a hole I couldn't even crawl out of, but thank God for His never ending presence, His never changing love. Each and every time I took a step out to reach for Him, He is always there for me. Whenever I break down and had no one to turn to, as usual He was there for me. Even though I've never met God and Jesus face to face, yet They are always real and there for me. I'm so grateful for God and Jesus, because without Them, who am I?

 

It has always been Them who listened to my deepest cry. The Ones who I can always turn to, even when all everyone on Earth has failed me."

Vexed.

Recently.. there has been a lot of ups and downs. Been thinking so much... I could almost feel all the white hair popping out among my bush of black hair. (ok i'm sorry this sound ridiculously stupid but yeah) Like what I mentioned earlier, millions and millions of things happened. There was these two weeks where I couldn't think properly & damn, I had like a few restless nights. I could almost feel myself dying. Was so vexed everything went haywire in my mind. Couldn't even find the right words to describe it. Wanted to seek help badly but then not knowing how to because I have totally no idea what I was vexed over with. or vexed about for. It was really like a period of hell for me, I guess. No idea what was going through in my mind, only knowing that I can't fall asleep every day. And damn..( it has to happen during school time) Bad idea. bad bad idea.

Of course as usual. Each time my life feels like it has reached the highest point, certain people in my life starts changing and everything goes down the drain. ( Another reason why i'm particularly thankful for those who hasn't changed a single bit since I met them right from the very start) love those people endlessly.

Recently I find it so irritating for some people. Like they are just so spoilt & all, maybe because they had a good life. And maybe because they're always the center of the attention and they never knew how it was to have things done with ur own effort, without having the credits. Man that sucks totally. And finally now I know how it feels. It doesn't really matter if at the end of the day I get the credits or not, because clearly that wasn't my motive in the first place. I did it because I wanted, because I cared. And clearly, not all people appreciates it. When you tries ur best to give them all your love, eventually they will take advantage of it. ( Not all maybe, but some ) Which I find it extra irritating. If I actually puts in an effort to make you feel appreciated, who the heck are you to make me feel worthless and unworthy?

What's worse is when it comes from people you never expected from. Like why, especially when you know their darkest sides. Especially when you thought both of you came from at least a little bit of similar past. Especially when you thought, that like you, that person would help endlessly for you no matter what happens. Damn, it just really sucks isn't it, trusting the wrong person, realizing it. And then having to tolerate everything, because you don't want the damn thing to end. You don't want to let conflicts happen. But then once again, the person shows no efforts to appreciate. It's like you've just became their daily routine and they give no shit if you ever feel hurt or anything.

Just can't stand spoilt brats any more. Just because you're having a stress period in your life, doesn't mean all day you have to give people a damn black face or emotional moodswings that doesn't even have a reason to exist for in the first place.

PS./ These post is not referring to anybody, just my random rants/do not let assumptions take over, thankyou/




Okay, enough with rants. So practically school celebrated Rational Harmony day! Wore a Malay costume as usual :) Really really like Malays 's costumes! And it's amazing how they actually puts in an effort to wear the same colour/design costume every single year for Hari Raya. Major thumbs up!

unglam-ness overload, but i like.

 

ignore my awk face./too lazy to edit hahahaha/

 

 

 

 

 

 

YAY I'VE GOT CUTE CHEEKS

 

thankful for someone like her.❤❤❤

 

(Taken few weeks back during one of the Spartans outing)❤❤❤

 

 

(Taken on Wednesday during cellgroup dinner! at Liang court.)

 

 

(A month back or something?)

 

 

(Taken during a cellgroup bbq)

 

Was out with my bestie to shop at bugis!❤❤❤

 

Starting to wonder, what's exactly important for me? And what exactly do I need in my life. I guess the answers are simple. yet hard to find. But I'll wait, for I know the Lord has better plans for me in the future, not to harm me in any way, but for a better me. Thank You Jesus!!