First things first.
2015, a bad bad year indeed. Ever since working started, pretty much everything seems all screwed and messed up.
Honestly with no idea where to move on and forward to, everyday I struggle with those thoughts not knowing when it'll come to past.
Honestly, I'm really pretty much sad. It's unfair how I worked hard for it, and placed my trust yet things don't happen.
And it's ridiculous how people who probably did much lesser than me yet scored much better than me,
not only that. They complain over and over again, as though my wounds don't matter.
I'm reaching the deepest and darkest hole of my life, but no one seems to be there.
Except my father, the one whom I never ever appreciates in the last 1 year. Indeed, as saying goes. Blood is thicker than water, and I was dumb enough.
Fuck those who told me to trust, because if I didn't, maybe I'd have passed. Maybe I'd have worked even harder. For my dad, for myself.
I didn't. I tried to please people who don't fucking matter in my life
And now I'm all alone facing my own giant obstacle.
In this short three months.
I realized the kind of existence I have in life, honestly I wouldn't mind ending my life right now. Everyday I tell myself, it will be okay. It will pass by, but it did not.
Instead all I'm feeling right now are feelings of abandonment, feelings of being deserted.
Is it okay to just throw me aside when I'm not needed
Does it not matter if I die
Am I just a shelter everyone turns to when they're insecure
Am I just another worthless tool for people to seek security from
with the reason being that I'm worse than them
Honestly I lost all my faith
And I knew it the moment I told myself to believe.
I knew it
If I've succeeded, my faith would increase.
And if I failed
It wouldn't just drop
but my faith would've been totally washed away, together with the wind
and maybe for the first time ever I'd really taste the bitterness of pure darkness.
