If only I could turn back in time, I'd never. Never. Trusted you.
Four years back, it felt happy.
It felt as though everything ended perfectly. But now...? It hurts so bad. That pain in my chest could literally take my breath away. It was like a wake up call, so cruel. So scary, so saddening. I was on the verge of tears, some times wishing I can turn invisible for a moment just to get my eyes dry.
This pain I feel, no one seems to know. How does it feels like, to be a dancer.. who dances on the stage, only to know that she's nothing but... nothing. They always say
"The position does not matter, if your dancing skills are good, you outshine any other."
Ever since the first day, I've always danced. Because I love it. Because that's what I like, that's what I enjoy doing. I smile because I love it. Not because I got to.
I'm used to standing behind, being hidden. Being unnoticeable. Until one day, I was given a chance. My efforts were finally acknowledged. And it was then.. I thought maybe I stood a chance. Maybe there's a chance.. for me to turn my love for dancing into talent.
I was fat. And I still am fat. I was ugly, and I still am. None of the things that I have actually helps me in getting an opportunity in expanding my dancing journey.
But.. a chance was given to me, I took it. I wanted it, I held onto it.
And the next moment, it was taken away from me.. like I was nothing, like it was nothing. And honestly I wished that this hope was never given to me. Maybe the hurt would have been lesser, maybe the humiliation would have been lessen.
"A happy ending.." They say. But my heart hurts so bad I just wanna wreck every single effort that I placed in. I really wanted to leave.. happily. But how to.. especially when I know I was nothing but a shit used, especially when nobody cares if I was there, or not.
I'm weird, but opening up to people is just so not my style.. I don't really know how to put all these into words hahahaha. Killer thoughts they say? Thoughts that kills you. bit by bit. And the torturing thing is my walls are building up; the walls that prevents me from pouring; the walls that makes me doubt people's sincerity and genuineness. I'm tired, I just want someone there. For me. All the time.
One who'll hear all my inner cries, yet never judges me. One who instead of flashing disappointed looks and disappointment, would first assure and comfort me.
One who I can feel comfortable around doing whatever shits that I like.
Me..and my expectations should stop.
(Not like I'm perfect) HAHAHAHA. although I'm in this state of darkness, God's light shine through still. Though I felt like giving up, He still reaches His hands out to me..
A broken me; yet with an extraordinary God.
... some times all I really want is just a break from all the flaws that I have; really....
photo credits: tumblr.
