Basically just sad.
These few days, I've been thinking over a few things/ And maybe, just maybe it's time for me to get back to reality once again. My mind was pretty healthy these few days.. until certain things happened again, and bomb. It's like all my hard work all my efforts placed in to maintain this healthy mind is gone. Just like that.
It's like, how do I explain this?
It's so hurting. Any where I go to, yes I mean literally anywhere. I'm never ever. ever. accepted. And it hurts you know? It's like you see everyone moving on because they got accepted in a bunch of new people but well you just can't fit in so you stayed there forever like permanently at a place and yes just stuck there not knowing what to do.
And then, some times you wish you can change yourself.
I want to change myself, but I just can't no matter how. Everybody gets what they want after all the hard work, but each time, nothing just comes even after days and days of trying. It's like you want to become better, be it physically or mentally but no everything just says no. It's like you tried so hard but at the end of the day the results you get back is like worser than how it was before. And it hurts because everyone's getting what they want, becoming better BUT THERE you are, still looking like a potato.
And then, you start to cover up your insecurities
It's like you know things are worsening, you know you are getting nowhere better. You know you're still as awkward as shit, you're still as ugly as freak and nobody gives a damn. But you still want to look good, you still want to be the best you, just in case someone would start realizing your good points and start loving you for who you are, you start doing all sort of things that makes your self uncomfortable just to look presentable.
But slowly still no one cares and you start allowing your insecurities to eat you up alive
And finally no matter how hard you tried people still don't care. they still won't look at you they still think it's fine for you to stand at one side it's fine for you to look sad it's fine for you to be totally out of their lives and nothing will change not even a single shit will change
And that's when you come to a conclusion where your presence makes no difference. and then all the thoughts starts to drown you, you wish you have someone to talk to. but apparently no one's bothered enough to listen to you, and then
you finally decided, to use physical pain as an escape to your mental pain."
